What will your house look like…in Heaven?

I did not know there was a way to determine what your house in Heaven would look like.  I say “your” house, because I don’t think there is a house there for me. Maybe a motel room.

Anyway, here is where you can go to see what things will look like up there.

It’s part of the Rapture Index; I don’t go there much anymore.  Rapture Guy hasn’t figured out that Dick Cheney is the Beast.  After we bomb Iran and the number 666 shows up on Cheney’s forehead, maybe it’ll all become plain; Rapture Guy may be a complete religious whacko, but as far as I know he’s not blind.

Great News: Satanism on the decline

The Rapture Index guy apparently thinks that satanic attacks on farm animals are in the rear view mirror. My first visit to the site in a few weeks disclosed that the “satanism” score has dropped, and the overall total is a non-cataclysmic 158. “Food” caused a little concern this week, must be a lot of Devil’s Food Cakes being made.

I get most of my religious news nowadays from perusing Craigslist, but I will try to keep you all posted on Rapturing. I’m thinking maybe there will be a new category soon, something like Republican Perverts. This latest guy John Atchison, he seems like the last straw. Send your cards and letters.

Tuesdays at the Rapture: Beast Government

The Rapture Index, that speedometer on the Hummers to Heaven or Hell, has dropped by one point this week. The change was due to “inactivity” in the under-appreciated Beast Government category. Now all you Bush haters, don’t jump to conclusions; this may not (or may) have anything to do with him:

33. Beast Government

(Rev.17:12) The Roman Empire will revive under the leadership of Ten
rulers. This revived Roman Empire will exist for only 7 years.
(Rev.17:13),(Rev 13:5) After the Roman Empire has been revived for
3 1/2 years into a seven year rule, the Antichrist will take over and
rule for the remaining 3 1/2 years.

Now, this seems to get pretty specific about things. If we are now “inactive,” what was it like when it was “active?” Who was/were lookin to be the “Ten Rulers?” Could Dick Cheney be the Anti-Christ? Is a seven year rule approximately two US presidential terms?

This is important, and we need some guidance; I hope everyone will either write to the Rapture Index Guy, or “close eyes, mumble and listen for voices.”

ps: no change in the Satanic Attacks on Farm Animals. I’ll keep you posted.

Tuesdays at the Rapture: questionable call by the Rapture Index Guy?

The Rapture Index Guy gets a little jumpy this week, stepping on the Rapture Accelerator for what I, as a Senior Rapture Correspondent, feel is insufficient evidence to warrant an increase of 1 point.

26 Nuclear Nations

Several of Iran neighbors are making plans to build their own
nuclear power plants.

I think this must be in response to this story, which does not suggest that these countries are seeking nuclear weapons. According to the category description, its the weapons that matter:

26. Nuclear Nations

(Rev.9:18) The use of nuclear armament during the tribulation will kill over 1/3 of the human population. Only in our time –with the nuclear arsenals– does it seem possible this could happen.

I may have to write a letter to the Rapture Index Guy. I don’t think this warranted an increase of 1 in the Rapture Index. We have to have some standards here, after all. We can’t lose the precision which gives the RI its considerable credibility on the internet and around the world.

Am I wrong? Am I wrong?

Today at the Rapture

The Rapture Index fell by one point today. I could be wrong but doesn’t this sound a bit political?

43 Climate:
Record cold temps put the freeze on global warming hype.

Hype? a site that attempts to predict the rapture is bitching about HYPE?
oh, well…let’s check the category info:

43. Climate

(Mat. 24:7) Jesus foretold of an increase in the severity of weather
events as a sign of the end times. The extremities of nature are
difficult to measure. Any activity that goes beyond normal weather
patterns should be taken into consideration, that is, whether God
has a warning behind it.

I try to avoid using the term “sic” even when commenting on the Rapture Index guy’s writing. “Sic” is a little rude, a little elitist, and above all, not many people know what it means anymore. So I’ll just drop a little WTF?, you all know what that means.

I wonder if the Rapture Index guy reads my blog? if so, Mr. RIG, you can learn more about the global warming hype by clicking on “2007 Climate Change Report” in the “references” list in the far righthand column.

I haven’t been commenting on the status of “Liberalism” and “Satanism” categories. I hope you all realize that’s because a) Democrats are going to control Congress for the next couple years, so that won’t change; and b) these Satanic attacks on farm animals just keep on coming. It seems to be the thing to do in the UK:

TWO 14-year-old boys have been questioned by police after rocks and a shovel were thrown at pets at a NSW school farm, killing a duck and injuring two pigs.

The attack on the animals loved by students of Brisbane Water Secondary College’s campus at Umina occurred on March 5.

A police spokesman said the boys had been interviewed by police and legal proceedings were pending.

A spokesman for the NSW Education Department said one pig suffered leg injuries and another had cuts on its face.

He described the incident as “completely unacceptable behaviour”.

The devil is behind this, no question.

Tuesdays at the Rapture: they’re BAAACK…

Image of self-proclaimed Jesus in South Florida

Either the Rapture was a short one, or the Rapture Index person was lying out behind a building stoned on horse for a week. Either way, the RI has been updated. Sort of. No change in any category. …I mean, that is hardly believable…NOTHING?

I think they must have fired their research department. Trying to save a few bucks. Probably outsourced it to India…and what do Hindus know about, let’s say, Category #3- Satanism, or Category #1- False Christs:

link

His name is Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda; his followers call him everything from apostle to Dad, or simply Jesus Christ Man. De Jesus Miranda himself believes he’s the living incarnation of “Jesus Christ Man,” “the second coming of Christ.”

A follower of his believes “he is God, he is God.” She also lavishes him with money and gifts….

This self-proclaimed Son of God is a 60 year old former heroin addict and convict. The divorced father of 4 was born in Puerto Rico and now lives in South Florida with his second wife.

From a warehouse in Doral, near Miami, he presides over the “Creciendo en Gracia” or Growing in Grace Ministry which he also calls “God’s Government On Earth.

As any other head of state, he is protected by a security detail that mimics the U.S. Secret Service.

In an interview with the self-proclaimed Messiah, CBS4’s Ileana Varela asked de Jesus if he was able to do some of the things Jesus Christ did like performing miracles, healing the sick and walking on water.

De Jesus said not necessarily. “My life is my church and what I’m doing worldwide,” he said.

What De Jesus is doing at more than 300 centers in Central and South America, Cuba and the U.S. is preaching a message of “freedom to indulge” because according to this modern messiah, there is no sin, no devil and no hell to pay.

De Jesus says, “It doesn’t exist. The devil was destroyed two thousand years ago.”

It is music to the ears of his followers, mostly Hispanic men and women who believe they are God’s chosen people, predestined for salvation no matter what they do on earth. They also believe all other faiths are false and must be destroyed, from Catholics to Baptists and Jehovah’s witnesses.
His followers have organized marches at which they destroy religious books and symbols. They also have a campaign aimed at disrupting other religious gatherings, sometimes with violent consequences.

Tuesday or Wednesday at the Rapture:Index not updated…can this be the Rapture?

The Rapture Index person seems to be AWOL….or…is it AWOBLB (Away with out being left behind)?

The last update of the Rapture Index was March 5.  If the Rapture occurred between then and now, then all the righteous Christians would be missing.  I’d try to call one, but I don’t know any.  I know George W. Bush is still around. But that doesn’t prove a thing.  I don’t see any empty cars in the middle of the street.  The school down the street is still full of innocent kids.  My page views are holding up.

I must say, if this is the Rapture, it’s kind of pleasant. Warmed up a bit in Northern California, still chilly at night.

Here’s my plan: let’s lay low for a week. Wait for god to give us a sign. Watch for any images of the Virgin Mary in my oatmeal.  Count on me.  I’m not goin anywhere.

Tuesdays at the Rapture: shorting “satanic attacks on farm animals”

image of Steve Martin as Theodoric of York

The Rapture Index is getting boring. I’m beginning to wonder if there really is anything to this idea of a Rapture Index; maybe (hush, my beating heart) the whole Rapture concept is flawed…maybe god is loving, friendly, and forgiving….maybe he’s not petty and vengeful…maybe he has a plan to save every single one of us poor ignorant sinners…

NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!

Anyway, to make this Index a little more interesting, I think I may have to start treating it like the stock market:

“The Index drifted up one point on news of higher oil prices, after several weeks of “prophet”-taking.”

Now about these damned Satanic attacks on farm animals….I googled that and there don’t seem to have been any since September. I’m not sure what time frame we need here….but this category has got to start going down soon…..I am hereby going short on this category, and I’d suggest you do the same. Sell the May contracts….. Make hay before the rapture comes, that’s my motto.

Tuesday (or Wednesday) at the Rapture

The Rapture Index dropped a net 1 to 156

Changes this week: Oil supply/price went up one, but was offset by decreases in volcanos (-1) and earthquakes (-1).

Still bothersome: Dems control US Congress, and those darn satanic attacks on farm animals haven’t yet abated.  I don’t know which is worse

Category of the week:

. 8: Oil Supply/Price

    	Oil remains an economic and a political issue.

    	We fought The War in the Gulf because of petroleum’s

	strategic importance. The final battle of Armageddon

	 may also involve a dispute over oil.

hmm…Armageddon.

You know, back when I was a boy, I don’t remember Jesus trying to scare the piss out of us. And I don’t remember anything about Middle East oil. Did I miss something? Was the Bible wrong then, or is it wrong now?

.

“Fake” fur on upscale coats is actually DOG fur.

Holy shit.

The Humane Society of the United States said it purchased coats from reputable outlets, such as upscale Nordstrom, with designer labels – Andrew Marc, Tommy Hilfiger, for example – and found them trimmed with fur from domestic dogs, even though the fur was advertised as fake.
“It’s an industrywide deception,” said Kristin Leppert, the head of the Human Society’s anti-fur campaign.

The investigation began after the society got a tip from a consumer who bought a coat with trim labeled as faux fur that felt real. Leppert and her team began buying coats from popular retailers and then had the coats tested by mass spectrometry, which measures the mass and sequence of proteins, to determine what species of animal the fur came from.
Of the 25 coats tested, 24 were mislabeled or misadvertised.
Three coats – from Tommy Hilfiger’s Web site ShopTommy.com, Nordstrom.com and a coat from Andrew Marc’s MARC New York line sold on Bluefly.com – contained fur from domesticated dogs. The others had fur from raccoon dogs – a canine species native to Asia – or, in one case, wolves. The single correctly labeled coat was trimmed with coyote fur, but it was advertised as fake.

Take yer coats back and demand that they be tested at the company’s expense.