Frank Caliendo: he’s pretty funny in standup.

This guy has got some good imitations of Bush, Clinton, Chris Rock, Charles Barkley, John Madden, and a number of other notable public figures. Pretty funny. He acts like some sort of an amateur comedian who is surprised that people find him funny. Give him a look.

UPDATE: his standup is much funnier than his sketches… the guy is going the wrong direction when he goes away from standup. The humor is when he switches rapidly from character to character, not when he does extended bits in a single persona.

Stanford disposes of USC, says “bring on global warming, cancer, AIDS, the common cold…..”

The Stanford University football team, a forty point underdog, polished off the nationally number two ranked USC team yesterday in Los Angeles, 24-23. After the game, Stanford president Hennessy stated, “We were just fulfilling the terms of a grant proposal.”

Don’t worry, UC Berkeley is alive and well

Those of you who noticed that UC Berkeley’s football team is nationally ranked, don’t worry; the craziness is alive and well:

Superior Court Judge Richard Keller granted UC Berkeley a preliminary injunction against the protesters, who have been perched in an oak grove near Memorial Stadium since December hoping to stop the university’s plan to build a sports facility there.

The judge barred the protesters from “lodging in, scaling, climbing or hanging or sitting or standing” in tree-houses, hammocks or platforms in the grove, according to the order.

University officials asked for the injunction because of what they described as rapidly increasing safety and sanitation problems at the grove. UC police have issued almost 200 citations for trespassing, assault and other infractions, and some officers have complained of being hit with feces and urine from the tree houses. Several of the tree houses also have propane tanks for cooking.

Michael Vick: “I’ve met Jesus,…turned my life over to God.”

I assume that Vick’s business manager made the introductions.

Why Michael Vick will never play in the NFL again

Some people think Michael Vick will play again in the NFL. That it’s “silly” to think he won’t.

Ha. Who’s being silly? He’ll never play in the NFL again. I mean, the Falcons were getting fed up with him. His on field accomplishments were limited. His off field behavior sucked. He shot the bird to the fans on television. He lied to the commissioner and the Falcons.

He’ s not much of a quarterback. Basically, the only thing he does well is run from the quarterback position. You’ll never win with that. The Falcons are basically a .500 team with Vick, and it’s on a downhill course. WTF?

He doesn’t have another position, and don’t tell me he could be a running back or a punt returner or a wide receiver. He’s never played those positions, and they do have necessary skill sets and physical demands.

He is going to prison, where he will hang out with a bunch of bad dudes with bad habits.

He isn’t very smart

He isn’t very nice.

He’s already been in the NFL longer than the average career.

He’ll be rusty.

He won’t be very popular.

Gambling, drugs, dogfighting, cruelty, arrogance, stupidity, no position, felon, ex inmate, 29 years old…

and he’ll be on probation in some sense, from a legal standpoint. He may face state charges for killing dogs.

If you sign Vick, you have to pay the veteran minimum, which is substantial money. You have to cut somebody to keep Vick. There are 50 other players on the roster, and probably not many of them are pals of Michael Vick; Vick doesn’t have any friends.

Even Al Davis wouldn’t touch this guy. Seriously. Name a franchise that would?

I would even be surprised if he doesn’t get AT LEAST a three year suspension, because of the gambling, that would mean he’s thirty before he could even be available.

won’t happen.

Michael Vick to take plea bargain

San Jose Mercury News reports that pro footballer Vick has agreed “in principle” to take the deal offered by prosecutors. I can’t imagine he’ll ever play in the NFL again.  I don’t think he has to go to prison for 5 years. I mean, if he lived in a trailer on the edge of town, what would happen to him? He’d go to jail for 18 months, get fined, and do community service.

NFL quarterback Michael Vick charged with dogfighting

hmmm….the National Football League better take a strong stand on this sicko.

link

The operation was centered at a property Vick owned in Surry County, where a fence shielded prying eyes from the back, and the two-story brick home was surrounded by fencing in the front, with several black buildings further back.

Unlike previous documents, which did not name Vick, the indictment is littered with his name, including this tidbit _ Vick was known as “Ookie” in the dogfighting world.

If convicted of all the charges, Vick and the others _ Purnell A. Peace, 35, of Virginia Beach; Quanis L. Phillips, 28, of Atlanta; and Tony Taylor, 34, of Hampton _ could face up to six years in prison, $350,000 in fines and restitution.

A woman who answered the phone at the home of Vick’s mother, Brenda Boddie, said “no comment” and quickly hung up.

Telephone messages left at the offices and home of Vick’s attorney, Larry Woodward, and an e-mail sent to his office were not returned.

While the Falcons and the NFL said little Tuesday, John Goodwin of the Humane Society of the United States said the details were especially troubling.

About eight young dogs were put to death at the Surry County home after they were found not ready to fight in April 2007, the indictment said. They were killed “by hanging, drowning and/or slamming at least one dog’s body to the ground.”

“Some of the grisly details in these filings shocked even me, and I’m a person who faces this stuff every day,” Goodwin said. “I was surprised to see that they were killing dogs by hanging them, and one dog was killed by slamming it to the ground. Those are extremely violent methods of execution _ they’re unnecessary and just sick.”

Purses for the fights ranged from hundreds of dollars to the thousands, and participants and spectators often placed side bets on the outcome, according to the indictment.

After two Bad Newz Kennels dogs lost fights in March 2003, the indictment alleged Vick gave a bag containing $23,000 to the owner of the winning dogs.

Started in early 2002, according to the indictment, Bad Newz Kennels began purchasing pit bulls to train as fighters. Eventually, the defendants bought shirts and headbands “representing and promoting their affiliation.”

Mothers, don’t let your girls grow up to be cheerleaders

seriously.

Hopalong Cassady is conditioning coach for the NY Yankees; who knew?

Howard “Hopalong” Cassady, ex-football star for Ohio State and then the Detroit Lions in the 50’s, has been the Yankees conditioning coach for like forever, according to the NY Times today. Who has been keeping this from me? Hoppy was one of my favorite players; a running back in college, he was mostly a wide receiver in the NFL. His place in my memory was cemented the day he caught an over-the-shoulder pass for a touchdown, then immediately ran right into the goal post, which at that time was two yards deep in the endzone. He bounced back and fell down, but of course it was a touchdown. It was like something on America’s Funniest Home Videos. Maybe I can find that somewhere on the miracle that is the internet. Stay tuned.

Okay, the Bears lost, but what about the Cubs?

Unfortunately, the Chicago Cubs have emptied the vault on a player who will do them absolutely no good. Alfonso Soriano. Thirty one years old, on the downside of his career; played on several mediocre teams who didn’t want him back. Thinks he’s A-Rod, acts like an A-hole. Soriano doesn’t have a position, and his idea of “clutch” is a small woman’s handbag. Can’t hit good pitching; he’s what I call a dogpile player: when the Cubs face a no. 4 or 5 starter and win 11-5, Soriano will be 3 for 5 with a home run and a double and a meaningless stolen base. When the Cubs face a 1, 2 or 3 starter and lose 3-1, Soriano will be 0-4 with three ugly strikeouts and a groundout. In the clubhouse, he’s a liability. He plays matador defense, and will look frankly ridiculous 5 or ten times a year. Walks? this guy may end up with more errors than walks. By the end of August the Cubs fans will have figured him out and after that it will be ugly for the next what? eight years? Too bad. At the end of the year he will have 40 home runs and 40 stolen bases. And no one will be able to remember any of them. After a couple of years the Cubs will have to make one of those deals where, in order to trade him to some exhibition team like Arizona, they will have to pay part of his salary. I mean, the Cubs were smart enough to let go of the pathetic Juan Pierre. But this is worse.

Too bad.