Senator Larry Craig must be longing for a time, not so long ago, when a scandal was handled so expertly, you’d almost say an architect was involved. In his quieter moments, he must be thinking… What Would Karl Rove Do?
Leak information: Call Time’s Matt Cooper and reveal the name of the undercover cop who arrested Craig. Might as well also say the cop’s wife is CIA.
Purge the ranks: Have the Attorney General fire the local prosecutor.
Attack opponent’s strength: Fund a Swift-Boat Bathroom Attendants for Truth commercial: “Minnesota’s bridges collapsed and its senator, Paul Wellstone, died in a plane crash. How dare Minnesota condemn Larry Craig when it can’t keep its own house in order?”
Change the subject: “There’s an unsubstantiated terrorist threat against Boise, Idaho!”
Accuse ‘Old Reliable’: “I’m not gay, but if I were gay, I became gay during Bill Clinton’s Presidency… because of Hillary.”
Blame the liberal media: Done — at an August 28 press conference, Craig said that the “relentless and vicious” harassment by The Idaho Statesman caused him stress and clouded his judgment.
Whisper campaigns: Ask everyone, “Would you be more or less likely to vote for the Senate Ethics Committee if you knew it was run by lesbian pedophiles with secret black babies?”
—From Comedy Central’s Indecision 2008 blog