This week at the Rapture

I must apologize for not keeping up on the Rapture Index for a couple of weeks. First thing you know, the end of the world will be at hand and there you are, totally unprepared, no chance to cancel the newspaper, get somebody to take care of the cat, etc.
Well, it seems that God the Father Almighty who art in Heaven and judges the quick and the dead (with the help of his righthand halfman Jesus O. Nazareth) is a somewhat pleased with his mortal handiwork at this moment, as the Rapture Index is at a low point (less likely for all the good people to get disappeared), thanks to the “volcano” and “interest rate” categories. …who knew God was into interest rates? I mean, he must have paid off the mortgage on Heaven a long time ago, even if he had a 30-year loan, yes?

Well, it is definitely reassuring for us sinners (especially those that run Christian bookstores and those weekly choir and sermon shows) that the Rapture Index has fallen into safer territory. At 154, we can definitely breathe easier and not worry about our bottom line:

Rapture Index of 130 to 160: Heavy prophetic activity
Rapture Index above 160: Fasten your seat belts

I was wondering about Jerry Falwell. You know, he died recently. Is it possible that was the Rapture, and he was the only one good enough to be taken up? I will go into my secret closet, squint my eyes together very tightly, assume the diving posture, and whisper questions about this. If I hear any voices, and they have an answer, I’ll let you know next week.

Oh, a big PS: thanks to the Rapture Index Guy for finally aligning his categories with the numbers. I was perhaps a little harsh on him a couple weeks back for having a site with such a trashy appearance, while at the same time purporting to know the mind of God. My faith is restored.

PPS: Since the Rapture Index Guy is reading Over the Line, Smokey!, I’d like to send one question, about that “interest rate” category:

6. Interest Rates

The fluctuation of rates are what steers the economy. When people
make decisions in the market place, they’re unknowingly guided by
interest rates. The economy will generally move in the same direction
the interest rates move.

Could you maybe tie this in a little more tightly to the big picture? Preciate it…I’m otta here.


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Filed under economics, religion

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