WALTER
This is not Nam. This is bowling.
There are rules.
—The Big Lebowski
RULES OF CONDUCT IN THIS BUNGALOW:
1. Listen to the Dude’s story.
2: always behave as if there’s a beverage here.
3: drop in to see what condition my condition is in.
4. marmots/ferrets not allowed in the bathtub. NO EXCEPTIONS !
5. Occasional use of the word “f*ck” will tolerated, see this.
6. the preferred term is Asian-American. Please.
7. unchecked aggression will be practiced ONLY by the owner.
8. the Dude’s not in; leave a message after the beep.
9. user ID verification is performed by Ralph’s Shopper’s Club.
10. you need not be employed to use this site.
11. dues are due before the tenth of the month.
12. no throwing coffee cups (styrofoam excepted)
13. sucking around will be permitted (within reason, of course)
14. don’t play the Eagles. Please. Creedence would be better.
15. You can try bush-league psych-out stuff, but it won’t work.
16. Hey, relax man, I’m a brother shamus.
17. remains must be transmitted in a receptacle.
18. Don’t roll outta here naked.
19. Life does not stop and start at your convenience.
20. Stay out of Malibu.
21. It’s down there somewhere; take another look.
22. litigation matters will be handled by Bill Kunstler.
23. Shomer Shabbas when that doesn’t conflict with anything important.
24. It don’t matter to Jesus.
25. I can’t solve your problems, sir, only you can.
26. Keep this place running like a Swiss fucking watch.
27. You don’t go out and make a living dressed like that.
28. If your name is Donny, you should just shut the fuck up.
29. If somebody tells you to mark it zero, do it.
30. No dogs; they eat the furniture.
31. Dabbling in pacificism is permitted.
32. Wedding rings, if any, are worn on the RIGHT hand.
33. You must be housebroken.
34. Put the piece away.
35. I’d love it if you came and gave me notes.
36. Call when you get home and I’ll send a car.
37. You have to buck up.
38. Use a dictionary.
39. Don’t board a show dog.
40. Roll down the window before bogarting the jay.
41. Don’t be fatuous.
42. if you don’t calm down I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
43. No one is gonna cut your dick off.
44. Don’t go into a tournament with a negative attitude.
45. If you will it, it is not a dream.
46. Don’t tell me what you’d tell your ex- if you don’t have an ex-.
47. Don’t fuck with a stranger.
48. If your wife owes money to Jackie Treehorn, that means you owe money to Jackie Treehorn.
The complete Guide to Conduct can be found here.
