Tuesdays at the Rapture

The overall Rapture score remains a worrisome 160, with changes this week in two categories:

• 09 Debt and Trade: The U.S. federal budget and trade deficits have declined. (down 1)
• 30 The Peace Process: The EU is trying to revive peace talks between Israel and
  the Arabs. (up 1)

The two key categories of

• Liberalism (Democrats control US Congress), and
• Satanic attacks on farm animals,

continue unchanged.

Rapture category of the week: 33 Beast Government: Romania and Bulgaria join the EU. Explanation:

(Rev.17:12) The Roman Empire will revive under the leadership of Ten
rulers. This revived Roman Empire will exist for only 7 years.
(Rev.17:13),(Rev 13:5) After the Roman Empire has been revived for
3 1/2 years into a seven year rule, the Antichrist will take over and
rule for the remaining 3 1/2 years.

Present score: 4

Rapture term of the week:

Preterism:
The belief that nearly all prophetic events have already occurred. The year 70 AD is a popular date where Preterists claim that the book of Revelation was fulfilled. Under preterism you are basically left to just waiting for Jesus to return.

Wow, that WOULD be a bummer.

On a personal note, my major concern is magazine subscriptions. I hope I get enough notice of the Rapture to cancel my subcriptions. How about you? what worries you about the Rapture?

State of the Union speech: Bush to give his thoughts on upcoming Super Bowl

brainstorming with Bush

Before beginning his formal remarks, the president plans to diffuse tensions by giving Speaker Pelosi a “neck squeeze” and by making humorous references to farting and the Iraq Study Group.

In addition to his Super Bowl prognostications, Bush will discuss his latest ideas of how to make America great:

• giving the vote to frozen embryos.
• giving tax breaks to owners of private airplanes, since they decrease the burden on airport screening.
• pardons for Jeffrey Skilling, Duke Cunningham and Jack Abramoff.
• kill everyone in the world who doesn’t like us or we don’t like.
• fund a Rapture celebration
• investigate satanic attacks on farm animals
• baptize all Muslims
• create a new national holiday for white males
• establish a new cabinet level Secretary of News and Thought
• enable families to trade their children for health care
• send a carrier group to San Francisco

Breaking: Vice President Cheney up to his crazed eyeballs in Plame case

Special arrangements for Cheney testimony

From MSNBC broadcast:
In his opening statement in the Scooter Libby trial, prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald has outlined a key role for Vice President Dick Cheney.
Among the allegations:

• Libby learned of Plame’s position in the CIA from Cheney
• Cheney instructed Libby to go to the press to discredit Wilson
• Cheney instructed Libby on how to deal with FBI interviews
• some of this may have been written down
• Cheney urged Tenet to take the heat for the administration on the misinformation about Niger uranium.

Cheney is scheduled to appear as a witness in the case. Special precautions will be taken, of course.

More details to follow.

Ted Haggard: Evangelicals are so fuc*ed

link

Ted Haggard demonstrates frequent sex position

Much has been made of America’s so-called religious divide, but few of the discussions and debates resemble Alexandra Pelosi’s new film, “Friends of God.”

The HBO documentary shows the Rev. Ted Haggard, the former president of the National Association of Evangelicals, talking frankly about how evangelical Christians have sex more than any other religious group.

Haggard served as Pelosi’s tour guide through the evangelical community. In the film, he proclaims that evangelicals have the best sex lives in the world.

“You know all the surveys say that evangelicals have the best sex life of any other group,” he says.

Haggard resigned from the church in 2006, after a scandal linked him to drugs and a male prostitute.

Ted, you are the Abominable Snowman.