Pearly Gates HVN (HP)– The Heaven-dential campaign staff of former US president Gerald R. Ford has requested that current president George W. Bush not appear on behalf of Ford’s campaign to enter The Pearly Gates. Citing Bush’s low popularity in the Heaventh Congressional district, Ford’s choir of angels announced that Bush will not be invited to appear at the next and most important campaign stop, Ford’s funeral in Arlington next week.
Ford’s heavenly people have been trying to distance the affable dead Michigan Republican from Bush, as polls have shown that most angels in heaven would not vote for Bush, if the election were held today. In Ford’s latest posthumous speech, delivered by fallen angel Bob “Thou Art the Glory Forever” Woodward, Ford distanced himself significantly from Bush’s most sinful act, the US invasion of Iraq in 2003, and all the “over the sin-line” behavior that followed therefrom: lying, killing, rape, torture, greed, probably some lust, a whole lot of coveting thy neighbor’s petroleum deposits, and boocoo taking the name of the Lord thy God in vain. Bush’s standing in heaven has been further compromised by recent photographs suggesting, shall we say, at least an aura of evil:
The Pew poll this week indicates the iffy nature of Ford’s chances at this point: of angels who are likely to vote, Ford holds a slight plurality 45% voting for heaven, 43% for hell, and 12% undecided, with a margin of error of 3%. Ford’s other big liability besides Bush, the pardon of Richard Nixon, has lost him considerable votes among the “judge the quick and the dead” wing of the angels.
Word from the Bush camp in Texas is that Bush will allow Ford to Run in Peace (RIP), and comply with the request from “on high,” to remain out of public view during the Ford funeral, perhaps the most important Ford Heaven-dential campaign stop [UPDATE: Bush will participate in the viewing, on Jan. 1, in the Capitol Rotunda; there are rumors that he will be required to wear a hood to prevent him from spitting on the remains.]. [UPDATE II: Bush risked a lightning strike by actually speaking at the funeral. I can only guess at what this might mean for Ford's chances for eternal salvation/damnation.] During the funeral, many godly and truthful persons will testify to the goodness of President Ford, citing his involvement with football, Grand Rapids, and an occasional person of color, during his long and faithful stint in the Republican Party. It is hoped that these final testimonials will pursuade the undecideds among the heavenly host to vote in favor of opening the pearly gates to Ford, whose campaign slogan
“ETERNAL MORE YEARS”
has proven to be a non-starter.
Bush’s prepared funeral speech, (a draft of which circulated through the Ford camp) reportedly included a number of references to Republicans who are not (and apparently never will be) residents of the Heaventh Congressional District, such as Donald Segretti, Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Richard Nixon, Abu Gonzales, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, John Bolton, Bill Kristol, Jack Abramoff, and Henry Kissinger.
Other personal and political issues are also a concern for the angels: first, of course, there’s the farting. And even more importantly, Ford’s people have been informed that Bush’s failure to address “climate change” has made the Texan very unpopular in Heaven, where rising temperatures prompted one resident to comment, “Jesus H. Christ on a biscuit, it’s hotter than Hell here today!”